On the subject of being old, starring Vin Diesel

Firstly, I totally just gmailed myself the link to East Village Radio, which sounds awesome, as to remember to coordinate it on the computer I’m allowed to download things like iTunes on. Which ones do you like best? The descriptions are hysterical [i.e. “(((Attuned))) with DJ AT: mood driving psychotraumatic stuff,” and “The Continuous Mammal with Niall: audio adjustments and consciousness calibration. prepping you for the portal in 2012.” Pyschotraumatic?! What’s that?, I wonder – For some reason I can only think of Slipknot, who would probably describe themselves as way more psychotraumatic than their music merits…

Secondly, on the subject of being old. My jaw literally dropped with the Pulp Fiction bit. Has it really been FOURTEEN years?! I know I know that it is sooo ironic or whatever for people as young as we to be harping on our old age, but it truly is coming into a new age when you realize, for example, that people who were born the same year as Pulp Fiction now look old enough to purchase cigarettes illegally at less reputable establishments. I recently had a similar experience when someone I know, a senior in high school, reminded me she wasn’t BORN for the fall of the Berlin Wall. And she’s not like, a toddler now? Impossible.

On the subject of convergences [and being old], I truly was having a similar experience at about the same time as the last posting. This guy proposed a social gathering centered on the Arnold Schwarzenegger Drinking Game, in which you drink whenever Ahhnold says something that would kill the mood in bed [as in, “I'm not a pervert! I was just looking for a Turbo Man doll!”]. While any choice would have easily been a real gem [Hercules in New York, Conan the Barbarian, Twins, etc.] we selected Kindergarten Cop. Naturally, the game was wildly entertaining [“it’s not a tumah!”] – but I also remembered that I kind of really legitimately like Kindergarten Cop.

I got to thinking about WHY I like Kindergarten Cop, and, as in musings on similarly-liked films, I wanted to figure out how much of my childhood wonder is coloring my current estimation. Do I only like Kindergarten Cop because I remember finding its proliferation of potty jokes, slapstick humor, and Schwarzenegger’s steely antics hysterical when I was 8? I’d like to think that, as in the case of the aforementioned similarly-liked film, that Kindergarten Cop DOES have some transcendent quality, Arnold a particularly capable turn of muddled Austrian phrase...

But then I tried to compare KC to its modern day equivalent - and the only thing I could come up with was The Pacifier, starring Vin Diesel. And actually, as soon as I thought of it I realized that it was the PERFECT comparison. Don’t get me wrong, I still refuse to submit myself to that particular two hours of pandying, pandering, schmaltzy tired Disney rigamorole – but even without seeing it, I can tell its premise is near identical to my beloved Schwarzenegger vehicle: Über-tough serviceman meets conniving and wily children, hilarity ensues.

Except for one thing: The Pacifier is obviously terrible. Terrible! A quick Rotten Tomato reveals that its overall critical rating was 21% - and we can assume that 20% of those were Disney-Time Warner-owned publications. To be plain, there is no way in hell I would ever have the remotest interest in seeing this film, and I could guarantee that if forced to sit through it, I would not find a SINGLE instance of slipping on ice or vomit REMOTELY laughable. Please reference this pretty lame interview chock full of Diesel "witticisms" for more evidence... they even cite Kindergarten Cop.

The point of the matter is that I feel old because Kindergarten Cop came out in 1990, when I was in fact, in kindergarten. Bizarrely, though, I feel MORE bad about myself for liking Kindergarten Cop – and it’s only because I am now comparing it to The Pacifier, which I hate. I realize that were I in kindergarten now, I would probably like The Pacifier, and for some reason I feel like that fact nullifies a lot of my movie-related musings and defenses. It also makes me doubt the universal merits of KC… I mean, it DID get a 50% on the Tomatometer, and quoth the TV Guide entry, when it played one of bazillions of times in the past 10 years: “Actually fairly entertaining, buoyed by Schwarzenegger's self-deprecating charm and easy chemistry with his capable costar, Pamela Reed, and the hammiest bunch of tykes ever assembled for a movie.” Yeah!

I am kind of terrible at ending these bloggy ramblings, but perhaps our only consolation is that we can “still feel young” by continuing to enjoy some of the simpler pleasures of youth, even if those pleasures are laughing at an overmuscled immigrant wrestler as he is thwarted by a 6 year old.